Jumping the Train

I have been really burned out lately. Full time work, half time grad school, training for races, and trying to maintain healthy relationships with family and friends all require more hours than the day is long. I’m on a fast moving train and I want to get off.

Nothing in our culture advocates jumping the train. People are awarded for accomplishing a magnitude of tasks, but not for spending quality time with their spouse. As a culture, we admire “supermom” but not the mom who homeschools her kids (and she is the one who truly never leaves the office!). Doing more, and doing it faster, has become the focus of our worship, mine included. I try to read the Bible, knowing it’s where my focus should be, but I often just fall asleep. Clearly, I am not putting God first.

Tangentially, I have been thinking hard about the time, energy, and resources that it takes to train and race. Starting with money … a typical 5K costs $20, a duathlon may cost $40, and triathlons are upwards of $80. A good pair of running shoes costs $100, and a bike costs ten times that much. Bathing suits are $60 each, and then you have all the gear: helmet, water bottles, pedals and clips, tri shorts, inhalers ($25 copay), tubes … the list goes on. You would think that once you purchase any of these items, that’s it, you’re done. But things break and technologies change, and the sweet bike on the rack next to yours makes you feel like upgrading … if you’re not careful, triathlon is kind of a money bucket with a hole in the bottom. Not to mention the costs of time and energy it takes to train.

I am not saying that people shouldn’t do this. Running, biking, and swimming are healthy, and triathlon has changed thousands of people’s lives for the better. But I have been wondering lately how I can use my desire to race to serve God. Whenever I ponder this question, nothing touches my heart: I keep coming up empty.

I don’t race to be healthy, to inspire others, or because it keeps me out of trouble (although those are all peripheral benefits). Truthfully, it’s selfish - I race for my own pride. Regardless of whether I tell anyone about my upcoming race or how I finished my last one, racing makes me feel like someone significant in the eyes of the world.

And that’s why I think I’m on the wrong path.

Racing cuts into the time I spend with family and friends. It costs money that I am not recouping in cash prizes. It takes precious energy away from my devotions and does not make me feel whole the way I feel after prayer. Racing doesn’t even make me feel good about myself – rarely am I satisfied with my performance and if I have a bad race, my self-worth really tanks. As I write this, I realize that I am standing next to the wrong measuring stick.

I need to jump this train.

I didn’t start this blog entry about racing, and it’s not only racing that contributes to my burnout. It’s everything combined. After praying in the shower this morning (prayer is best in the shower, I think, because I’m vertical and have not once fallen asleep) I decided to race for God. Yes, I know it sounds cheesy, go ahead and laugh. Instead of extreme sports, I’d like to live for God in an extreme way and fill that part of my soul that is not filled by the finish line. Not to say I will never enter another 10K but I certainly don’t need to win it. It’s time to refocus.

My prayer is to be brave enough to jump the train, to live in a way that may not garner any worldly accolades, and to find the peace of mind that only a close relationship with God can provide.

Dirty Words

It's been a while since I last posted. I suppose I backslid a bit, letting a million other things (gala, wedding, honeymoon, triathlon training, grocery shopping, tooth flossing, etc.) take priority over my relationship with God.

Now, as I attempt to find my way back, while praying that God doesn't spit my lukewarm faith out of his mouth like bathwater, I have another story to share.

This week I left work for a few minutes around the lunch hour to get some coffee at the neighborhood coffee shop. As I was standing on the street corner, waiting to cross, I witnessed a somewhat typical scene: the first car at the stoplight was not paying attention to the light. When the light turned green, the car didn't move for a couple moments. Without wasting a shred of a second, the guy in the pickup behind him leaned out the window and yelled, "Move it, A$&%@#E!"

For some reason, I was pretty taken aback. I'm used to witnessing road rage, but this man's totally unnecessary outburst offended me and made me feel bad for the driver in front of him.

I then wondered if that's how God feels being subject to our thoughts. Never in my life have I yelled what that guy yelled, but I'm sure I've thought such sweet sentiments before. Particularly when I'm in the grocery store and someone leaves their cart in the middle of the aisle while they are standing right next to it examining the cans of green beans. I approach the cart and kind of wait a moment ... [insert nasty thought here] ... the person doesn't move ... and then I might kindly ask, "could you move your cart please? Thank you." But that's not what God heard! Oh, no it most certainly wasn't.

Poor God. God designed us with the ability to hide what we are really thinking but God has (or chooses) to listen to all of it. I suppose the way we are created might help us keep the peace with others but there is nothing we hide from the Lord.

For God's sake, literally, I am cleaning up my thoughts a bit.

Ephesians 4:29: "Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them."

The Size of Seeds

Have you ever heard this verse?

" ... If you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you."

It's from Matthew 17:20. If we have faith the size of a mustard seed (which is really, really tiny), our life can be transformed by God. God will use that bit of faith to make us holy. That bit of faith can bring us eternal life. That's the good news.

Here's the bad news: Temptation works the same way. It doesn't take much to take root in us.

This is how temptation works, according to me:

1. We get an idea, attraction, or desire that is contrary to what the Lord wants for our lives.

2. The idea might be fun and enticing, so we pay attention to the idea, thereby feeding it. Ideas flourish when we give them attention, just like flowers flourish when we give them water and sun.

3. The idea roots itself in our brain. It becomes part of our conscious and subconscious thoughts.

4. We act on the idea, thereby giving into temptation.

A sin is not committed when we act on the temptation ... the sin was already committed when we paid any attention to the idea to begin with! Acting on it just got ourselves into a big mess.

This goes for anything. Getting angry with someone and wishing for something bad to happen to that person. Developing a crush on a man or woman who is married. Desiring money/food/alcohol/sex/ as a solution to one's problems.

Each of these temptations starts out as an idea, small as a mustard seed. Our thoughts nourish it. Before long it controls us. It grows about as fast as the morning glories that take over my garden; maybe faster. It becomes way too big for us to fix by ourselves.

So what do we do? The solution is not 100% in books, on TV, in alcoholics anonymous, in conversations with friends, in Weight Watchers, or in anything else. These tactics are helpful but are not the whole solution.

The only thing I've ever found to kill off temptation is to ask God to remove it. Ironically, it's the easiest, cheapest, and most painless solution of all. But it requires us to give up not just that particular temptation but give our whole lives to God so he can fix us up and make us clean. God is like the ultimate weed killer but God needs our whole lawn to be effective, not just the one part of our garden that has weeds.

I guess this is why people say things like, "In God, you'll find freedom." That was always very paradoxical to me. In God, we're somewhat confined, right? We don't get to do everything we want to do (see paragraph that lists possible temptations, above). We're supposed to do what God wants us to do.

However, I've found that what God wants me to do is absolutely the best thing for me, and is usually pretty fun. On the contrary, the temptation that controls me ends up being really not fun and only God can pry us free from it.

This verse sums it up pretty well:

" ... the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God." Romans 8:21

Three Wishes

In the shower this morning, I had an idea. I decided to ask God to let me know of one thing I should change, and I promised to be willing to change it. (Actually, I wasn't sure at first if I would be willing ... then I reminded myself that this is indeed the God of the Universe I was talking to and if God wanted me to change something, then I better the heck do it!).

I got out of the shower, dried off, and was going through the morning routine when I got my answer. My train of thought was something like this:

• If I ask God to let me know what needs to be changed in my life, and I promise to be willing to do it, I better live up to that promise. But what if I'm not willing to do it? Well, I can pray for willingness.
• What if I'm not able to do it? As long as I'm willing to do it I can always pray for the ability to do it.
• How will I know if it's God telling me to change a particular thing? What if it's the other voices in my head (people who nag me, billboards, the devil, etc.)? Well, I'll pray for discernment to recognize God's voice.
• What is it that God wants me to change today? And who am I to decide that right here and now is when God should tell me what to do? Am I the boss of God? No ...
• So, here is what I need to change: I need to be willing to let God change me, whenver God wants to change me, and it should not be on my timetable. Aha. That's my answer, and not the one I expected.

This whole inner monologue reminded me of something we used to say as kids: "if you had three wishes, what would you wish for?" "Three more wishes, of course!"

And that's essentially what God asked of me. God is not going to tell me one thing I should change in my life because I was in the mood to ask this morning. God expects obedience from me all the time, and when I asked "what is the one thing I should change?" God said, "change whenver I ask you to."

Random Acts

Sometimes when we need to lift our spirits, the best thing we can do is something for someone else. But when we don't have a lot of money or time or whatever, it can seem daunting. So I am working on a list of little nice things we can do - random acts of kindness - and I'll keep adding to the list as I think of more. Feel free to send your thoughts.

1. Leave some change in the vending machine (or pay phone if anyone still uses them).
2. When you call a business and you get the pesky message, "this call may be monitored or recorded for quality assurance" you may wish to say at the end of the call, "thank you for being a fantastic employee, and so polite. You made my day!" Only if the person on the other end was polite, of course! Hopefully that message will get passed along to his or her supervisor.
3. As you go through the drive through, whether at a toll booth, Dunkin' Donuts, or a fast food restaurant, pay for the person behind you.
4. Once I bought some Godiva chocolates and gave them to the lady at a toll booth that I used to drive through every couple days. Just a way to say thank you for what is probably a thankless (and sometimes dangerous) job.
5. Grow some flowers, pick them, and give them to your neighbor. Just don't pick your neighbor's flowers.
6. Scrape snow and ice off the windshield of someone's car.
7. Pick berries, place them in freezer-proof bags, and give them out to everyone you know so they can have a taste of summer all year long. When you pick berries yourself, they tend to be pretty inexpensive.
8. Leave the really good open parking spot for someone else.

More to come ...

Running

It's been a long time since I've gone for a run. The last real "run" I went on was the third leg of a triathlon last September. I let myself recover for a few weeks, which turned into months. The more I didn't exercise, the worse my asthma got, until the idea of running again became anathema.

I don't know if it was my daily habit of eating Cadbury eggs, slices of cake, or gummy candies, but something told me to get back on my feet and go out for a jog. I warned myself a couple of days ahead of time that a run was on its way so I could build up some enthusiasm around it. I started drinking more water than usual. My fiancee was kind enough to blow up the exercise ball so I'd have something to do crunches on when I got back. The sun was shining - a rarity around here - so I knew that even the universe was in favor of this expedition.

After rummaging around for my exercise watch, I realized I hadn't switched the time on it since daylight savings began. I pulled out my "running shoes" - sneakers that I use only for running - and my Ironman sunglasses and began feeling like an athlete again. I was ready to roll.

Here is how I manage to do crazy things like triathlons and wedding planning: I bite off no more than I can chew and set small goals for myself. For instance, I decided that if I was able to run for one minute and walk the remaining 19 minutes, that my workout would be a success. And then I actually stick to that standard and pat myself on the back if the job was done.

But God was good to me on this particular day. I ran one minute, then two ... all the way to five! The asthma kicked in but two puffs of the inhaler showed it who's boss. I kept running and managed to run for 20 out of 40 minutes. A miracle, I tell you! The only thing that slowed me down were my pathetically weak quadriceps. They couldn't keep up with my asthmatic lungs.

I found myself really thanking God as I walked back to my house. What are the chances that an out-of-shape ex-runner like me with frequent asthma flare-ups could so easily get back on my feet? Is it youth? Is it my Pro-Air inhaler? Is it God? Maybe a combination of the three.

I don't expect to be able to do this when I'm 90, and I wouldn't expect to be able to run if I didn't have medication to keep my lungs open. But God has given us youth, and God has blessed scientists with the intelligence and resources to make something as life-saving as my inhaler. Hundreds of years ago there is no way I would have lived this long. But here I am, running under the early-spring sun, marveling at the effortless way my legs carry me along, and praising God that such a feat can be done.

Cascade

I must've woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.

Barely a mile from my house, I got frustrated with the morning back-up of buses pulling into the bus terminal. I had the audacity to honk my horn at a bus that was stopped on green. Isn't it illegal to stop on green?

Then I got to my office and called the bus terminal, letting the receptionist know that it's illegal to stop on green and could she please make the bus drivers stop doing that every day? It frustrates the morning traffic. Never mind the fact that I could have woken up five minutes earlier and gotten to work on time.

My negative outlook already set, I proceeded to muddle through the day, hardly motivated, feeling angry with people who monopolize the office copier and short-tempered with the intern who needs an instruction manual for every task. Even my banana tasted overripe today.

What's up with that? Why is it that when we let our guard down it seems like the devil jumps in and takes over? I got swept up into my frustration before stepping foot into the office and it started a cascade of woe-is-me.

I know God is bigger than that if I would only let God have control of my life. Giving up control is so hard. I can usually do it for about 6.7 seconds and then my nose itches and I get distracted and take the reigns again.

I have about 60 more years to keep working on this. For now, God has control of me. God says that tomorrow I should take a different route to work.